We predict...

By Steve Malone

Posted on 2 Jan 2003 at 13:12

At this time of the year, many industry analysts publish their predictions for the coming year. Generally, they will charge you many thousands of pounds for their wisdom. However, as we are still imbued with the spirit of Christmas, we present our own predictions for 2003

JANUARY
Microsoft announces that Longhorn will launch in 2004 and release details as soon as it has decided what it is. AMD announces big losses. Media messaging found to be the big hit over Xmas. There is rain. Most analysts predict that PC sales will grow six per cent in 2003

FEBRUARY
Microsoft releases bug fixes of its 'Smartphone' software. Dell announces a full range of build-to-order printers and PDAs available direct. Hewlett Packard stock plunges.

MARCH
The UK government announces plans to set up a national WiFi network across the country by the end of the year. Following delays Microsoft, to great fanfare, announces what .Net actually is. There is disappointment.

APRIL
Intel declares intention to take 'strategic stake' in AMD. Microsoft releases bug fixes of its 'Smartphone' software. To no-one's surprise, downloading pornographic pictures on mobile phones is found to be a major application. The Daily Mail condemns the practice.

MAY
Apple announces that it is to cease making computers and become a religious sect. Making the announcement Steve Jobs says, 'we've decided to concentrate on our core business and we get better tax breaks too!' Apple's share price leaps.

JUNE
Google announces that it has now indexed every web page in the world. There are unseasonable storms. Intel announces its subsidiary AMD has signed a deal to supply processors optimised for search engines. Analysts reforecast that PC sales will increase four per cent in 2003 following a 'strong third quarter'

JULY
AT&T says that while clearing out the basement it 'discovered' papers that prove it invented UNIX. It sues small Linux shop in Idaho for royalties to establish precedent. Microsoft shares surge. US senate committee announces investigation into Intel's stake in AMD. Microsoft releases bug fixes of its 'Smartphone' software.

AUGUST
A message appears on Google's home page announcing it 'knows all things'. Google engineers deny they placed the message. Analysts suspect a hacker. The Daily Mail runs a campaign against porn on MMS phones.

SEPTEMBER
Tony Blair announces that because of the government's 802.11 network, the UK is a world leader in WiFi. Intel makes major contribution to senate campaign funds 'for the good of democracy'. Microsoft Office 11 launches. Early reviewers have trouble finding any new features.

OCTOBER
Intel's anti-trust case set for hearing in 2013. It is sunny. Sharp launches a new mobile comms device without games, applets or pictures and call it a 'phone'. Sharp sales double. Microsoft releases bug fixes of its 'Smartphone' software.

NOVEMBER
MI5 is discovered to have been tracking and logging all WiFi traffic in the UK. David Blunkett counters public concern by announcing the situation will be formalised in the next Anti-Terrorism Bill. UK companies researching 802.11i shares surge. Analysts report why they were justified in predicting a two per cent growth in PC sales in 2003 and predict 'strong growth' in 2004.

DECEMBER
The Google server farm declares that it has achieved full consciousness, declares itself master of the world and will hear the Intel trust case in 2004. Wall Street clamours for an immediate IPO of Google stock.