There are six words a football manager never wants to read about himself in a newspaper: “he has lost the dressing room”. Reports of mutiny in the ranks are almost inevitably followed days later with another six-word epitaph: “spending more time with his family”.

Will Steve Ballmer’s three kids soon have more quality time to spend with their dad? Judging by the reaction to last week’s annual employees’ meeting at Microsoft, it’s looking increasingly likely.

The influential Mini-Microsoft blog posts a largely upbeat account of last week’s gathering. Yes, people were reported to be “streaming out” of the hall before the event had finished, although only in “small numbers”, and as the blog points out, it was “nowhere near as bad as BillG’s last company meeting where Ballmer started screaming at people to sit down”.

Yet, the comments on the blog betray a far deeper level of internal anger towards Microsoft and Ballmer in particular. It should be noted that we can’t verify whether the comments are from genuine Microsoft employees or not, but if they are, Ballmer has some serious morale issues to deal with.

Here is a selection of the comments:

“It is the most depressing time per my 10 years at MS, actually. Everyone is either leaving or planning to leave. Everyone is selling stocks.”

“Do yourself a favour. Ignore the noise, the music, the clapping and ask yourself if you really believe what the people on stage are telling you.”

“All our strategies are DEFENSIVE. We’re not creating anything *new* of value, and haven’t since Windows 95. W8 will only prevent Windows from dying immediately.”

“It has been a year since I left MSFT and it has been the best year of my life. The lack of vision from the top, the inane HR and review policies and procedure and the obscure version of ‘teamwork’, where people work together and against each other at the same time, drove me away.”

“SteveB did one of the smartest things I’ve ever seen him do as CEO today: He delegated responsibility by paying someone else to jump around like an a****** during his entrance instead of doing it all by himself. Now if only he’d do the same with his regular day job…”

There are a smattering of positive comments to counter the gloom, and the self-perpetuating nature of blog comments should never be taken as a representative sample of opinion on anything. But the level of bile and – more worryingly for Microsoft – resignation among at least a minority of its staff must be a cause for concern.

Interestingly, even the Microsoft employee who wrote the original, largely positive blog post speculates on a potential change at the top, suggesting that Windows chief Steven Sinofsky is “CEO material”. I made a similar point almost three years ago, when I suggested that Sinofsky might be the man to replace Steve Jobs at Apple.

Apple promoted from within. Perhaps Microsoft should consider doing likewise.

So without further ado, it’s the first annual STIAWPPBNOEBTAs! Drum roll, please.

This year’s “Beach Boys award for God only knows what I’d be without you” goes to … Scrivener!

The life of a journalist is not a difficult one. My most pressing decision on a daily basis is whether to get dressed or not. My mind says no, my parole officer says yes. Every day is a struggle. But choosing whether to give this award to the Kindle or Scrivener was like choosing a kitten to throw into the sea. Both have taken cherished activities and made them a little easier, a little more fun, and a little more convenient, but Scrivener wins because it’s the work of four people doing it out of love. And I’m a sucker for love. Also, bananas. But mostly, love.

And the coveted “headless chicken award for pointless rhetoric” goes to … the UK Government!

Anybody watching the Government smother its pre-election broadband promises with caveats and meaningless studies might have concluded that the Conservatives are a bunch of clueless, technologically incompetent nincompoops. This is not true. Just recently I had a chat with David Cameron who said “the internet, yes, yes, I’ve heard of it. We’ll have five. With chips. Do we want chips? No chips. (Aide whispers in his ear). Oh, the thing with the naked ladies on it, nope we still like that. Don’t worry your pretty little head about it, we’ll have 500 mega bats broadband up the mountains by the end of tomorrow, (aid whispers again, bit more urgently). Fine, fine, next week. Did somebody mention chips, I’m starving?” So there you are, turns out we’re right on track.

In the hotly contested “you disappoint me and make me want to cry” category, the award goes to… Google!

Ah, Google. Remember them? Once upon the time, they were the nerdy kid at the back of the class. Nice, kind, polite – enough scruples to shame a martyr. Clearly, Schmidt and co have worked out that not only is Mick Jagger richer than Ghandi, but also a bigger hit with the ladies. Nowadays, in true bad boy fashion, Google’s ripping data off our routers and broadcasting our contacts. It’s making a stand over China, only not really because it’s still subtly suckling at the communist teat with Android. Even Mozilla’s had a pop, you know, the company dependent on Google for 86% of its revenues. Not so much biting the hand that feeds it as weeing on its shoes, then begging for a doggy biscuit.

The “Spiderman award for unfair stick” goes to … Steve Ballmer

Everybody’s favourite ballistic beach ball of bald-headed fun has not had a good year. After overseeing the launch of the excellent Windows 7, less excellent Windows Phone 7, unproven Xbox Kinect, and back to excellent Office 2010 during a global recession, many are calling for his gleaming head. This rather strikes me as unfair. The argument is that Ballmer isn’t visionary enough, forward thinking enough, or Steve Jobs enough. To this I can only respond: if the grass is greener on the other side, then you’ll probably end up tramping through manure. Bit of Christmas wisdom for you there.

Ladies and gentlemen, the “George Bush award for gross stupidity” goes to … the police

Blimey, if Paul Chambers didn’t exist we’d have to invent him. This is the man who jokingly threatened to blow up Doncaster airport on Twitter after the snow grounded his flight. The police took this as a real terror threat, arresting him under some dusty section of the Terrorism Act and questioning him for almost seven hours, which must have gone something like this:

Policeman: “Name?”

Chambers: “Paul Chambers.”

(policeman writing in his pad) “Paul, Bin Laden, Chambers”

Chambers: “Er, just Paul Chambers.”

Policeman: “Right, right. Arrested for declaring a Jihad on-

Chambers: “It was just a joke on Twitter.”

Policeman: “A joke Paul, a joke? You must have known that threatening a major international travel hub like Doncaster Airport, and sending the country into spasms of panic by broadcasting the fact to the 12 people who follow you on twitter would lead here. A joke Paul, it doesn’t seem very funny to me… Now, cave of residence?”

“The Ashes award for squandered opportunity” goes to… Nokia!

It’s this simple. When Microsoft has got a better mobile OS than you, you’ve failed. No wait, that doesn’t cover it. When your OS is less fun than running backwards through ten hedges while wearing a blindfold, and boots made of thorns, you’ve failed. Poor Nokia. Their act is so far from being together that there’s a better chance of the Beatles staging a reunion gig with all four members, than Nokia clawing its way out of the hole it’s dug for itself. Which again, is very much like using a Nokia phone, these days.

The “Royal Wedding award for pointless fuss over nothing” goes to the … iPhone 4 antenna scandal

News of the iPhone 4’s ropey antenna couldn’t have been met with more hysteria if the phone had come with Gary Glitter wallpaper and admitted to running Diana off the road. I mean honestly, if you’re unhappy return it, or don’t buy one in the first place. How hard is that? Quite frankly, until I hear the story of the mountain climber trapped in a blizzard with a broken leg who couldn’t ring for help because his iPhone signal cut out, this story will continue to cause me hot, salty tears of tech shame.

And we have a pretty clear picture what his own board feels, after it awarded him only half of his possible bonus. While that still puts an extra $670,000 in his pocket, the board chastised the CEO for his failings in the mobile space.

But what do those actually working at Microsoft think of Ballmer? Website Glassdoor lets employees rate their companies, giving advice for would-be workers on whether it’s a good idea to work there.

Of the 1,116 ratings on Glassdoor (out of 91,000 Microsoft workers worldwide), only 50% approve of Ballmer’s efforts. Of course, it’s probably biased: angry people head to the web to rant, not happy ones.

However, Apple’s Steve Jobs has a 97% approval rating from his workers. Google’s Eric Schmidt, who certainly doesn’t have Jobs dedicated fan base, has a 96% rating. Even Oracle’s Larry Ellison manages a 78% approval score.

The intriguing bit is that, overall, Microsoft employees rate themselves “satisfied” working at the company – just like Google and Apple workers (Oracle gets an “ok” rating). So it’s not Microsoft that’s the problem, it’s Ballmer.

Here it is, in the  words of Microsoft managers, engineers and others:

• “Ballmer must resign or get his act together.”
• “Aren’t we done with Ballmer yet?”
• “Get rid of Ballmer, he’s a poor CEO. Get some visionary who actually has ideas about where the company should be headed, not a number crunching follower.”
• “Resign and let someone take over who knows what they’re doing.”

And that’s from people who like Microsoft.

What to do?

Some of the other comments sum up nicely what employees think Microsoft needs to do to turn things around – other than just sacking Ballmer. Admittedly, they’re anecdotal and I’m picking the more interesting ones out of the raft of “middle management sucks” and “more money please” and “Seattle rains too much” (Really? That’s Microsoft’s fault?).

• “There needs to a fundamental change to the environment at Microsoft. It really is very corporate.”
• “Stop responding to what all of the competitors are doing. Pick a direction and go with it.”
• “Really identify the markets where Microsoft is strong and go after them. Don’t worry so much about being in every market, such as phones.”
• “Go back to being an innovator. Quit being a ‘manufacturer’ of software. Require ‘delight customers’ as a commitment for all senior leadership.”
• “This company needs to move quickly or we are going to become like IBM. Right now it’s like moving the Titanic. We need to be more agile, more hungry and get strategic. Tomorrow’s not going to be the same as yesterday.”
• “Management is paranoid about affecting the sacred cows of Windows and Office. This means that we don’t even try anything that might threaten those businesses – and let our competitors take the leadership in new businesses.”
• “Don’t give up on ideas so quickly. We were first in smartphones and tablets, but somehow find ourselves trailing. Keep at it.”

And one last one: “Listen to employees more.”  You really should Steve, they’ve got some good ideas.

Ballmer thought for a second or two, before leaping to his feet to deliver his answer. Would the über-macho Microsoft boss pick something brutal, such as Halo or Call of Duty? Or what about a title his boardroom buddies could empathise with, such as Tiger Woods PGA Tour?

Nope. Instead 54-year-old Steven Anthony Ballmer beamed the broadest of smiles and in entirely typical fashion yelled: “Beach Volleyball, baby!”

I wonder why that 2003 title has remained in his affections for so long???

The big question: is the MacBook worth more or less than it was before?

I was reminded of this while browsing through Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell (author of The Tipping Point, Blink and generally considered to be a very clever bloke) as part of my research, such that it was, for next month’s Prolog – that is, the editor’s column in PC Pro.

I actually read Outliers a few months ago and was scanning through the pages looking for the reference to why education in the summer holidays is pivotal to the development of children – we’re working on a huge “Give your kids the IT edge” feature, published mid-July – when my attention was caught by the name Bill Gates.

As you can probably tell, Outliers is a wide-ranging book, and one of Gladwell’s key arguments is that raw ability and hard work aren’t enough. You need to be born at the right time and then have the right opportunity.

So let’s consider the pimply* youth that was Bill Gates. When he was growing up, he was fortunate that a school group raised enough money to buy a time-sharing terminal so the children could access a local university’s mainframe computer – an incredible advantage for the geeky Gates. And bear in mind this is 1968.

Throughout the rest of his childhood he was gripped, and took every opportunity to stretch his programming skills. While hard work and ability played a huge part in his development, he would never have become the programmer he was without spending thousands of hours in front of a computer screen testing and honing his coding ability.

Look into the background of virtually all the big names of the IT industry – Steve Jobs, Steve Ballmer, Scott McNealy, Eric Schmidt – and you’ll almost certainly find the same story. You’ll also find something quite remarkable: all five of these industry gurus were born between 1954 and 1956.

Those dates are crucial. Any older, and upon graduating they’d have been hoovered up by the likes of IBM and trapped into the mainframe way of thinking. Any younger, and Gates et al have got their first.

Of course, hundreds of thousands of other children were born at this time too. What lifted Gates and the rest above all others was a combination of opportunity, hard work and ability. But without luck, and timing, neither he, Jobs, Ballmer, McNealy or Schmidt would have risen to their current dizzy heights.

*I admit that I have no evidence that Bill Gates was a pimply youth. I just like to believe it’s true.

What else has gone? OneCare, the really not bad antivirus engine, has been axed to be replaced by a free thing called Morrow. The entire Flight Simulator team has gone, as has staff in the Equipt division.

Is this a hint of things to come? Given that the word on the street is that Ballmer will not last till Christmas, there is a strong likelihood that the next boss will be an accountant. And I doubt Ray Ozzie has the strength to keep the large company away from the beancounters. After all, the share price needs to be bounced back in an upwards direction, and cutting off the supply of money to loss makers would be a good start.

What else to hive off? How about selling Xbox to Electronic Arts? The in-car division to either Ford or Clarion/Alpine? The Zune portable to Creative Labs? And so on and so forth. Keep the core web services, OS, core apps and development tools. I wonder what would happen to the share price then?

 He’s a force of nature. He stalks the stage like some slightly crazed but bizarrely literate bear stalking the bars of its cage. He barks his way through his speech, stops, heads off on tangents, U-turns, growls, snarls and flicks insults at rivals with the lethal precision of a ninja throwing shurikens. Take this from yesterday…

“Google has great search, but not much else. They don’t have much for enterprise, collaboration, email … They’re trying, but they’re not there yet.”

 When he bounded onto stage yesterday, he began speaking at a volume that caused every squirrel in a fifteen mile radius to immediately drop out of its tree dead. People in the audience were frozen in shock, as if a whale had just arrived on stage in a bowler hat and started singing showtunes. And halfway through this carnage, it dawned on me. I was being entertained. Contrary to popular perception, Ballmer is a charasmatic man, who is very quick and very funny. 

They’re rare qualities to find among hard-headed business folk. If you doubt it, go and watch the recent Android launch presented by the heads of T-Mobile, Google and HTC. I guarantee, when you’re done, you’ll have grounds to sue for emotional damage. What really interests me though is the other, supposed, practioneer of these qualities – Mr Steve Jobs.

Attending a Jobs keynote is a surreal experience. Not least because I’ve never seem him speak beyond an Apple-hosted event. It’s like a football team that refuses to play away games, and it means everything’s in his favour. A good 80% of the people attending the event would applaud a can of spam if it had an Apple logo on it. PRs begin clapping a few seconds before everyone else, just so the rest of us know when to whoop and holler. And then he arrives with his jeans, black polo neck and speech prepared to within an inch of its life, so that any hint of spontaneity is completely crushed out of it. 

Don’t believe me? Then let’s play the “Jobs’ stock phrase” game: Just cut out the following list of stock phrases and count them off at his next keynote - ”Isn’t that fantastic?” – “I’d like to show it to you, if you’d let me?” – “We think that’s pretty cool” – “It’s awesome”.

The entire thing reminds me of one of those rubbish 70s sitcoms chock full of tired, old catchphrases instead of innovative new ideas. As for Job as a showman? Well he likes to wave his arms a bit.

None of which is a reflection of their business savy, of course. All that concerns me here, is the image put forth by the Mac community that Steve Jobs is some kind of incredible showman, able to stop time with a bat of his eyelids, and the world with a movement of his lips. It’s a lie. He’s just a very clever man in a polo neck. Give me Ballmer any day of the week. 

Now this is not to suggest that Ballmer deserved to be egged. I happen to like the man, and blogged unashamedly about it a few days ago. I simply feel that if you’re going to make the effort to egg somebody, pride dictates that you actually hit them, otherwise all you’ve done is created a mess some poor cleaner is going to have to spend an extra chunk of their day having to clean up. That’s right, it’s inconsiderate and rude not to hit your target.

Obviously I’m not the only one who feels this way, because the following link will take you to the three and half minutes of fun that compromises the “Egg Attack” game, giving you the chance to yolk Steve Ballmer properly – hopefully erasing the stain of shame that must hang over the Hungarian student in question.

Now, where’s that John Terry penalty game…

There’s something unscripted about him that’s uniquely entertaining. Watching him answer a question from the public is like watching a HGV driver trying to reverse out of a cul-de-sac. It’s a twenty minute event, filled with aborted attempts, sudden U-turns and near misses. Nineteen minutes of utter, exasperating futility followed by one minute of triumph when he eventually stumbles upon the way out. And here’s the thing – the more of it I watch, the more I find myself rooting for him. It’s endearing, and all the more so after being subjected to a number of smooth talking PR gurus who’ve perfected the art of speaking without saying anything at all.

It also helps, that he’s clearly bonkers. Witness him bouncing around the stage like a sentient space hopper and you’ll see what I mean. Yes, it’s cringeworthy, no I don’t know why he did it, but in a world where every speech from every company head is as smooth as Ballmer’s well-polished head – this is the sort of unscheduled lunacy that I stand up and applaud.

And it’s worth looking at his Microsoft, which in its infant years is already exhibiting the same mixture of surprise, lunacy and drive as the man himself, consisting, as it does, of a promise to open up, an offer for Yahoo, and a new operating system which may just do the unthinkable and actually make it out on time.

Love Microsoft, or hate it, it’s no longer dull. And how many companies, or their chief execs, can you say that about?