Ducker of the year: Bush or Ballmer?

Monday, December 15th, 2008

2008 truly is the year for throwing semi-harmless projectiles at important people.

In May, we reported how Steve Ballmer narrowly avoided becoming a human omelette after being pelted with eggs during a speech in Hungary. 

Today, outgoing President George W Bush was attacked by a shoe-hurling journalist, who displayed as much accuracy with his size nines as Tony Blair did with the dodgy dossier.

Both Ballmer and Bush escaped their relative attacks unscathed. So the big question is: who’s the best ducker?

(more…)

Steve Ballmer to retire

Sunday, June 8th, 2008

Yes, it is true, Steve ‘Barmy’ Ballmer the exuberant Microsoft CEO has confirmed that he is to retire. The 52 year old originator of the Monkey Dance as performed in tribute by Ricky Gervais during an episode of The Office, was speaking to an audience in Washington earlier in the week when he let slip the big decision: he will be stepping down from his role as big cheese of the biggest software company on the planet.

(more…)

Five reasons why Ballmer-Bot would be better than Ballmer

Wednesday, June 4th, 2008

Bill Gates yesterday took to the stage with Ballmer-Bot – an endearing, egg-chucking robot with the head of Steve Ballmer.

Here’s five reasons why it wouldn’t be a bad idea to give the robot Ballmer’s job permanently:

1. It wouldn’t sweat like a pig with a faulty thermostat when bounding round the stage yelling “developers, developers, developers.”
2. Robots run on logic – there’s no chance of it spunking away $47 billion on Yahoo.
3. It might catch on. Imagine Johnny Five running Google, and R2-D2 taking over at Apple. Press conferences would be awesome.
4. Robots get things done on time. Windows 7 would definitely arrive as promised in 2009.
5. Outbound attacks on the likes of Linux, Apple and Sun would be blocked by Ballmer-Bot’s built-in Windows Security Center. Then again, perhaps not…

XP or not XP: that is the question

Thursday, April 24th, 2008

I knew it was tempting fate. The other night at a Microsoft shindig (the exact point of which, I’m still unsure), I struck up a conversation with one of the Vista marketing managers. In between discussing the dreadfully dull Champions League semi-final that was unfolding on the Media Center in front of us, I casually asked:

“So, XP – is it really going this time?”

“Yes, definitely,” our Vista man replied. “We’ve extended the deadline once, we can’t keep XP alive for ever.”

Less than 48 hours later, and a journalist in Belgium pops the same question to someone slightly higher up the Microsoft hierachy – Steve Ballmer – who replies:

“If customer feedback varies we can always wake up smarter…”

Someone set the alarm clock.