Allow me to introduce the most ridiculous piece of technology I’ve ever encountered, the iCap. Bear with me as I pick out a few gems from the press release, beginning with the first line.

The iCap MP3 player from Gesten Technologies can save your hearing and your life

Blimey! Save my life, how? Is there a machine gun in there? A Royal Marine Commando squirreled away in the seams?

Active people looking for a safer way to listen to their favourite tunes on the go will benefit from this unique baseball cap based MP3 player with speakers allowing them to listen to music and still hear all the traffic hazards and interact with the people around them

Brilliant! Except that you can’t wear an iCap without looking like an utter tool nobody in their right mind would approach without a sackful of elephant tranquilisers. Indeed, the only traffic hazards you’ll be dodging are the ones you’ve created as people speed up to run you over.

The built-in speakers can be played low enough for private listening, or cranked loud enough to share with others

In return they can share with you a punch in the face as you blast “Eye of the Tiger” out across the gym. Hoorah.

The voice recorder has a dedicated record button

Give it up Intel. You’re beaten.

When worn backwards, the iCap fits under standard bicycle helmets and under shorty motorcycle helmets.

Bow folks, for you’re in the presence of a legend.